By: NewNaturalista
In college “Karen” seemed to have it all. She was smart, devastatingly beautiful and funny. She’d have no problem finding the man of her dreams, right? Ok, yes I found it odd that she had a 2 page list of her requirements in a man, some of which included “He must be at least 5’11 or taller,” or “He cannot have a gap in his front teeth,” but “Hey!” I thought, “There’s a guy out there for her right?”
Author Lori Gottlieb says maybe not. She argues in her new book, “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough,” too many women hold unrealistic expectations when it comes to finding a spouse. Too many of us live in a fairy tale she says, passing by quality men for that unrealistic person we have envisioned all of our lives. We are not all 10′s – why should we expect our soul mate to be one? Even more alarming – there’s a chance that as we get older the longer single women wait, the less likely they are to find someone better than they’ve already met.
Gottlieb sent me over an advanced copy of her book – and I as read through it, I gathered some insight from some of my co-workers. Across the board, the men agreed with her. Eric a handsome, recently married photographer, told me the story of a woman in his acting class who was about 41, single and average looking. The acting instructor tried to set her up with a guy who seemed to have promise – he was good looking, fit, funny – a good catch, until she found out his occupation. “He’s a security guard!” she told Eric. She wouldn’t even give the guy a chance.
Gottlieb says our “princess” mentality – and the feminist movement have damaged us as women – preventing us from finding true love. At 41, Gottlieb might argue that Eric’s friend has fallen into a trap, of judging someone without truely knowing if there is a connection. As we get older there’s the thought that the available guys are all “losers” – but Gottlieb says in reality it’s just that they don’t look anything like the person you’ve imagined being with since you were a teenager.
If you had told me 13 years ago that my college friend “Karen” would be the only one of us still single, I’d be surprised – and yet she is. There could be other reasons, but Gottlieb says all of those men she turned down in her 20′s are now likely taken…and as the pool of men dwindles – the likelihood of her attaining her “ideal” is, well…unlikely.
“Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” goes on sale February 4th
4 comments
Christie says:
Jan 28, 2010
I don’t believe in settling. But at the same time, I haven’t met Mr. Good Enough either. We may have a list of requirements and such. But there are also compensating factors. After I weed out the crazies and the ones I’m just plain old not attracted to in any way shape or form, the pickings are slim. Then I see if there’s something I can work with. In my experience, I find that 1) The guy is not on the same page. For example, he’s looking for the flavor of the month. I’m looking for a relationship. 2) His words don’t match his actions. That means he’s not really feeling me in the first place. 3) He leads a lifestyle that I don’t approve of, i.e. smoker, weed head, baby mama drama, etc. After all that, I’m back to square one. And no, I’m not budging on that. I am totally okay with being alone instead of getting involved in something I don’t want (and will complain about) from the get go. Of course, I wouldn’t be going through all this if I ran into someone I had a genuine spark with in the first place.
Tonya says:
Jan 28, 2010
Christie, I totally know where you’re coming from. There has to at the very least be an attraction – and no crazies! I’m going to share your story with the author – hopefully she’ll respond next week!
Tonya, NewNaturalista
January says:
Jul 23, 2010
let’s keep it real. it’s not about having a princess mentality. men who, for whatever reason, end up as security guards are just not as ambitious as those who have successful careers. I say this with a little experience behind me. I tried the “lower your standards and date a garbageman” theory and guess what…he was a jerk with a bunch of issues and to make matters worse he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed and he earned a lousy salary.
so, the moral of the story ladies is that we’re all going to be single for a long time. lets invest our time in the next generation and pray that those coming behind us don’t suffer the same fate (however, it’s looking bleak. I attended a middle school graduation recently where the young women greatly outnumbered the young men)
Trevor says:
Jul 23, 2010
Men marry women for who they are. Women marry men for who they can become.
I’m sure the author isn’t suggesting anyone settle down with stupid jerks. Instead, modern society is forcing women (and men) to rethink the male/female relationship. Growing together may be ideal, but perhaps you could/should serve as an inspiration. To that I’d add overcoming bias determined soley by ones economic class. Who’s to say a C.E.O is any better than the garbage man?