Raising Natural Daughters

By: NewNaturalista

I still wonder if it was as traumatic for her as it was for me. There she sat in my dining chair, my beautiful 11 year old cousin* with a head full of matted, tangled hair. I stood over her slowly trying to pull my comb through it, cursing myself for thinking I could turn back the tide. “How did it get like this?” I thought. After more than an hour of sectioning and detangling I gave up, pulling her shoulder length hair into a ponytail, matted pieces and all.

Six years later I still think about that experience, especially when I see her. She’s a teenager now, who has clearly bought into the idea that having long, bone straight hair translates into beauty. It’s clear she still has hair struggles; I can see the breakage from excessive relaxers and color use. But I wonder, would she be undergoing this aesthetic and internal struggle if someone had taken care of her hair back then?

Nevada State College sociologist Gwen Sharp says yes and no. “Kids, especially young girls, start picking up on social cues pretty early on,” says Dr. Sharp. She says girls take in media images, but they are also affected by how their mother or maternal figure cares for their hair, and the comments a mom makes about it. “I have really curly hair and my mom told me it was beautiful all the time.” says Sharp. “At the same time, doing my hair became a daily form of misery, the pulling, tugging and physical pain made me internalize that my hair was a problem. I longed for silky smooth hair, and I struggle with that to this day.”

“Kids, especially young girls, start picking up on social cues pretty early on.”

I ponder on this for a moment. Part of the problem for my relative was that no one knew how to do it, not even me. “I have not done much study on this subject,” says Sharp. “But I have worked with white foster parents who are raising African American children and I know there’s tons of information to help them on caring for their hair.” I have a lightbulb moment. White parents look at it as uncharted territory. Blacks often come at the subject of natural hair as if we know it, even though most of us don’t. Maybe affirming it and learning how to DO it, helps?

“If you tell them they are beautiful it helps,” says Dr. Sharp, “But you have to realize you are never going to protect your kids from those images that show long, straight hair as the ideal. What helps is developing those non verbal and verbal affirmations that will help them retain a positive sense of self in the long run.”

Dr. Sharp says that often means not cursing a little ones hair. From the obvious like saying out loud “Your hair is so nappy!” To the not so obvious cues like a heavy sigh when combing through their natural hair. “I don’t think parents are helpless it’s just harder than it probably feels it ought to be,” says Dr. Sharp. She says it’s important how parents feel about themselves too. “Girls pick up the contradiction if a mom hates her body but she tells her daughter her body is beautiful. Daughters pick up on ‘action speak’ louder than words.” I guess I sort of knew that subconsciously when I decided to go natural last year.

How can I instill a sense of pride in my daughter when I’m bent over the sink with a flat iron

every morning? But alas, Dr. Sharp says even with all of the affirmations and lifestyle changes, parents can expect that maybe one day their daughters will want to straighten. “Don’t make your child feel embarrassed if they are unhappy about the way they look. It’s normal to have these feelings at certain stages of life, no matter what you look like. Sometimes girls can feel if they question the way they look that they’re disappointing you. Keep the door open so that those feelings can be discussed. The idea is that your investment in their self esteem will show itself in the long run.”

Dr. Sharp also says, even though we’re seeing more ads and images that show the natural look as en vogue, children are most affected by what they see in their daily lives. “What we really need to see is natural black women accepted in their careers and daily interaction. Those images are really important.”

This conversation makes me feel a new sense of empowerment. My cousin may be a teenager now, but it’s never too late to tell her how beautiful she is, inside and out.

*The name and true relationship has been changed to protect the innocent*

Gwen Sharp has an M.S. in Rural Sociology and a Ph.D. in Sociology from the University of Wisconsin – Madison. She is currently an Assistant Professor at Nevada State College in Henderson. Check out more of her thought provoking work at The Society Pages