I Am Not My Hair…

By: NewNaturalista

Naturals know the lyrics well. “I am not my hair, I am not my skin…” It’s a catchy and heart felt song by India.Arie; the strum of her guitar serves as the back beat to what feels like an anthem. “I am not your expectations no, no…I am a soul that lives within.”

It’s an idea that so many of us want to embrace but often struggle with.

Apricot Tea blog creator Ev’Yan is certainly not her hair. She’s bright, beautiful, quirky and engaging. And yet like many of us, she struggles with her identity when it comes to her hair. Ev’Yan recently blogged about her decision to chop it all off and her post resonated with me deeply. It’s been nearly a year since I shaved my head, but I’m learning it’s difficult to wash away a lifetime of thoughts about identity and beauty in 12 months. Ev’Yan shares her journey with us.

Ev'Yan's "new do"

NewNaturalista: What prompted you to shave your head?:

Ev’Yan: A lot of things pushed me to that limit. Boredom with my style. Irritation with all the work it took to upkeep that style. Curiosity of what I might look like without hair. But the main thing that pretty much convinced me to cut off all my hair was the brutal realization that I had never seen my hair in its natural state. When I was about 3, my parents put a texturizer in my hair, & styled it into this cute, relaxed kind of afro (I was trying to be a child actress at the time, so image was everything). That is really the only memory I have of my hair being “free”, & it was still being held back by chemicals! I felt extreme sadness knowing that I’ve been going along with relaxers for practically all my life without a real reason to. It was to straighten my hair, yes, but I kept asking myself why my natural hair wasn’t good enough & why I felt the need to straighten it.

When I couldn’t come up with a rational answer to those questions, it dawned on me that I am an adult & that I could choose how I wanted my life to be & that I didn’t have to continue relaxing if I didn’t want to. It seems like such a simple realization, but I honestly never thought of it that way. It was as though it had been ingrained in my sub-conscious that I needed to relax my hair & I had never asked questions about it up until that point.

I sat with all of those thoughts in the middle of the night for hours, tossing & turning, trying to make up my mind. & just like that, I decided that I was just going to do it.

In the morning, I was a bit hesitant but only because I was uncertain how my friends & family would take to my decision. But after some encouraging words from my most favorite people (my husband & my sister), I went into the bathroom & took clippers to my hair. During that process of cutting it all off, I never had a second thought & when it was over I never had any regrets. I still don’t, and it’s been about a month.

Relaxed Dayz

NewNaturalista: What’s been your biggest struggle with it?

Ev’Yan: By far, the biggest struggle has been trying to erase all of these misconceptions & lies about femininity & beauty in regards to hair length, type, & texture. That a woman’s attraction is based largely on what kind of hair follicle grows out of her scalp. That “long, straight hair is beautiful hair.” When I was little, I used to walk around with a towel on my head & pretend it was my long hair. I sometimes think that that little girl still lives inside of me, still under the impression that long hair = femininity. It wasn’t until my hair was taken away that I realized how terribly attached to it I was & how deep those insecurities were embedded inside of  me. I made my hair my identity, & it pretty much ruled my life. It kept me happy & content, but it also kept me self-conscious & timid. Now that my hair is gone, I’ve become quite aware of those thoughts & have been tackling them head on. Trying to eradicate two decades worth of preconceived notions & irrational lies hasn’t been easy. But I’m making progress.

I don’t want to be completely numb to my hair or the way it’s styled. I think a part of me will always feel a bit infatuated with my hair. But I’ve made a pledge to myself to never let it rule me the way my chemically processed hair did. I deprived myself of living a full life because of it, all for the sake of keeping up a silly hairstyle (& lifestyle, really). It’s been nice to have that gone from my life. I feel like I’m finally whole.

What’s your hair story? Are you in the midst of an emotional transition? Have you overcome this step of metamorphosis? Share your story with us.